


Easier

by tog



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Triggers, hurt!zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 12:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tog/pseuds/tog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>How could any of them care about him? He’s gross, stupid, worthless; Zayn’s list goes on and on.</i><br/> <br/>Or the one where Zayn doesn't think he deserves anything he has, and the other lads just want to make it easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Easier

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't learned by now, I only write when I am emotionally compromised and half awake. As usual I overused commas and I gave up trying to make the words flow together towards the end.  
> If you haven't already, please read the tags.

Zayn tries to make it easier.

 

Louis is the first.

 

He can hold a grudge the longest, so Zayn’s plan only naturally starts with him. He stops talking to Louis and doesn’t remain within a 5 foot radius of the eldest lad. Louis quickly catches on and one day he barges into Zayn’s hotel room and shoves his laptop into Zayn’s arms.

“Look! Why are you acting like such a twat?” Louis crosses his arms and juts his hip out. Zayn tries to hold back a small smile, mentally tucking the image of a sassy and angry Louis away in the back of him mind. This, he thinks, is what he’ll miss the most about Louis. Zayn finally takes a deep breath and looks at the article brought up on Louis’ laptop. He quickly scans it over and most if it is about the, ‘ _Underlying tension growing within the close knit group, One Direction.’_ Zayn scoffs and shakes his head at the article. Media will believe anything they see.

Zayn looks back up to one of his best friends who is still awaiting his reply. Zayn closes the laptop and pushes it aside. He thought it would be easier than this— that Louis wouldn’t confront him about his actions but simply become frustrated with him and give up. He sighs, _I am so sorry, Louis. For everything._

“Louis, I can only take so much of your immaturity and stupid pranks, okay?” he spits out with venom, but Louis still just looks amused, “I just want five seconds to myself, is that too hard to ask?” Louis nods and plops down on Zayn’s lap. _Well, that went the exact opposite way I was hoping…_

“Mate, you’re shit at lying. Tell Uncle Louis what’s the matter.” Zayn shifts beneath the smaller boy, who is smiling widely at him. Zayn pushes him off and stands up. Louis stumbles across the room and whips around, glaring daggers at him. He feels a hint of regret and by habit opens his mouth to apologize, but reminds himself that this is for the better. That Louis will thank him in the end.

“What was that for? You’re acting like a proper dick now!” Louis yells. He wants to smile and cry at the same time.

“I told you! Just leave me alone Louis, I don’t feel like trying to put up with you.” he hisses, and flinches at the coldness in his voice. Louis huffs but has a determined look on his face.

“Stop being pissy and tell me what’s got you acting like you’re a teenage girl PMSing.” Louis almost demands him, but Zayn keeps his lips pierced for a good five minutes before Louis finally gives up.

 Before slamming the door shut, he spins around and yells, “You know, you can lie to me all you want, but it’s really sad when you try to lie to yourself.” And Zayn is alone in his hotel room once again.

 

Harry is easier.

 

Well, he was supposed to be.

Zayn isn’t stupid, he dealt with Louis first because he knew that once you messed with Louis, Harry was the first one to know and get to the bottom of it. Only a week later did Harry finally confront Zayn on his attitude.

Zayn is lying in his bunk on their bus, a sketch pad propped on his thighs but the page is still blank because he can’t bring himself to enjoy drawing anymore. Harry pulls back his curtain a bit and smiles at the Bradford native. Zayn just stares and prepares himself for the next step in his plan, going through it one more time in his head, hoping that it would play out exactly how he imagined it.

“Mind if I join you for a cuddle?” he asks innocently. Zayn just scoots over a bit so his back is pressing up against the wall. Harry crawls in close, and despite his larger body tucks himself snuggly into Zayn, his lips pressed against his collarbone. The two of them lie there in silence for a few minutes. Zayn absorbs every moment of it, memorizing the way Harry’s body somehow contorts to fit his own. Harry’s soft lips against his exposed collarbone, nose slightly poking at his neck. His wild brown curls tickling Zayn’s nose. The scene looks a lot romantic than it should be, because he and Harry have a strictly platonic relationship and trying to make it more would end in awkwardness and scarring for life.

“What happened with you and Louis? I don’t like seeing either of you upset…” Harry’s arms tighten the slightest bit around Zayn’s slim waist. Zayn wonders if Harry can feel how much weight he has lost; his hip bones sticking out, and his knees knobbier than before. Zayn thinks that Harry must felt so uncomfortable and disgusted with him. How could any of them care about him? He’s gross, stupid, and worthless; Zayn’s list goes on and on. He can feel his body shaking, tears threatening to spill over. Harry coos at him, sensing his discomfort.

“Hey, _hey_ , you’re all right Zayn. Shh, I’m here.” Harry whispers, and it takes all of Zayn’s power not to utter out, _that’s the point_. This was not how things were planned. Zayn was supposed to push him away just like Louis, and move on. Though, the very thought of hurting Harry in the slightest made Zayn physically sick to his stomach. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself, _it’s better to hurt him now so he won’t hurt in the end._

“Harry.” Is all he can say for a while. Harry continues to hold him and hum a tune that Zayn can’t hear, but can feel the vibrations coming from his chest.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Zayn says simply.

“What? Can’t do what anymore, babe?” Harry asks, his voice laced with worry. Zayn’s heart aches at that, but makes him more determined than ever to get this over with.

“You need to leave. Now.” Zayn tries to order him with conviction, but it comes out as a pathetic whimper, almost sounding like he’s begging Harry.

“Zee, please let me help-” Harry asks with a knowing look that terrifies Zayn. He starts crying even harder.

“Leave! Get away from me, I don’t want you here. Please.” Zayn yells, his voice filled with defeat. Harry nods and presses one more kiss to his cheek before rolling out of his bunk.

“Zayn, we all love you and want to help, but you gotta let us in first.” Harry says sadly, and Zayn closes his curtains so fast that they threaten to rip off.

Harry’s words repeat over and over again in his mind, but they’re not as loud as the other voices that keep saying, _He’s lying._

 

Niall tries talking to him 6 days later.

 

In the last few days, Zayn has walked in on the four other lads in deep discussion, but they quickly replace their serious faces with smiles that only Zayn could see through. Once again, Zayn isn’t stupid; he can tell that they’re talking about him, trying to figure out how to get their old friend back. Zayn has gotten over the fact that they know how he truly feels, but that doesn’t stop him from plastering a smile on his face and laughing at all the right times. He sort of pities them at one point, and then feels a twang of guilt. He’s a horrible friend, and wonders why they even are trying to ‘save’ him. He’s far too broken, and can admit that.

“Zayn, we’ve noticed that you’ve lost a bit of weight in the past month. Any reason why?” the blonde interviewer asks with wide eyes and a smile that could compete with Louis’. Zayn just raises an eyebrow and coolly says,

“Well, it’s hard to eat when this lad over here is inhaling every edible thing at first glance.” he says while motioning his head towards Niall. That gets everyone laughing and Zayn smiles to himself. _Nice save._

That seems to get them off track and Zayn’s eating habits and weight isn’t brought up again. When they walk out of the studio, a crowd is waiting outside the doors. Zayn takes up the rear and ducks his head down, focusing on his feet. Somehow, throughout all the screams and shouts, Zayn can hear all the voices talking about him and screaming not for him, but at him. He quickly topples into the van and tucks himself away in the corner seat. He leans his temple along the window and tries to focus on all the loud noises around him. They drive off and in a few minutes it’s quiet again. The other lads seem to be enjoying the silence—they exchange a few words and the radio is humming quietly in the background, but it’s not loud enough for Zayn.

He hates the quiet, where his mind can wonder off and think. He hates thinking. It only reminds him how much of a horrible person he is and how he hates every single thing about himself with everything he has. Zayn can’t stand to think about himself without getting frustrated and upset. He hasn’t even looked in a mirror in at least a week, because he knows that the reflection will show an entirely different person. He doesn’t have to look to know he’s lost a considerable amount of weight, the interviewers and media remind him of that every day. He doesn’t have to look to see he has dark circles and bags underneath his eyes, his makeup artists bitch about how they have to try to cover them up every day. He doesn’t have to look to see his hair is starting to slowly fall out due to stress, Lou already runs her hands through his hair and frowns when a handful of it ends up in her palms.

“Zen, hey. You alright?” Niall snaps him out of his thoughts and Zayn looks at the younger boy. He’s so full of life and bright, the exact opposite of Zayn. He shakes his head but says,

“Yeah, m’fine.”

“Sure, sure. Hey, want to go out to Nandos or somethin’? Guys’ night out! We can even braid Harry’s hair if you want.” Niall smiles and Harry turns away from his conversation with Liam to Niall and laughs at him.

“Did I just hear that we are braiding my hair tonight?”

“Nah, I think I am just going to head in early. Kind of tired.” Zayn says slowly. Niall nods but continues,

“Then let’s watch a few movies, yeah?” he suggests, a twinkle of determination in his eyes.

“Niall.”

“Zayn.”

“I just want to be left alone, okay? Could you get off my case and stop being annoying for two seconds?” he yells, and thankfully they just pulled up to the hotel they are staying in for the next few nights. Zayn quickly exits the van and speed walks inside, taking the stairs two at a time instead of the elevator. He can hear a pair of footsteps behind him, but he continues on up until he reaches his room, and slams the door. There is knocking coming from the other side, but Zayn just rests his forehead on the door. He swallows thickly and takes a few deep breaths.

“Mate, you can’t keep trying to push us away.” Niall yells while knocking. Zayn grunts and bangs his head against the door a few times. The knocking subsides, but when Zayn looks through the peephole, he can still see Niall leaning up against his door.

“Just go.”

Zayn then walks to his bed and wraps himself in the blanket and falls asleep.

 

It doesn’t take long for Liam to find Zayn.

 

Zayn wakes up after his nap and searches through his dirty pants pockets until he finds a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He opens his door warily; glad to see that no one is waiting outside his door. He sneaks past the lads’ rooms and makes his way up to the roof of the hotel. Its pitch black outside, but the traffic and lights forming the veins of the city comfort Zayn at the same time. He sits on the ledge and crosses his ankles. He takes a drag, letting sit in the back of his throat for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. He feels himself starting to calm down and starts humming.

It would be so easy for him to just close his eyes and lean forward right now—

“Hey.” a shaky voice says. Zayn sighs but doesn’t back away or open his eyes. He knew that Liam would be the hardest. He can hear him slowly taking steps towards him.

“Hey.” he replies back simply.

“What are you doing?”

“Smoking.”

“You should stop.”

“Why?”

“It’ll kill you.”

Zayn lets out a laugh and even throws his head back. He can hear the hysteria in his voice and finally spins around and meets Liam’s eyes. He’s only a few feet away from him, but is still a distance away. Zayn shakes his head and lets out a manic laugh.

“Yeah, _that’s_ what’s going to kill me.” Zayn rolls his eyes but turns back around and throws his cigarette off the roof. He watches it fall, fall, fall, until he can’t see it anymore. He turns once again back to Liam and can properly see his face now that his eyes are accustomed to the dark. Panic and desperation is written all over his face, a façade of cool, calm, and collectiveness sloppily trying to cover it.

“Why don’t we go back to my room, it’s kind of cold out here.” Liam suggests and reaches out for Zayn’s hand. Zayn pulls away though and takes a step back. He can feel the city behind him and the open air. The wind is blowing against him, sending a shiver through his spine.

“No.”

“Zayn, what are you doing, stop. Come on, you’re scaring me.” Liam says with a whimper, begging Zayn with open arms. His eyebrows slant upward and together and his eyes are wide.

“You don’t get it.” Zayn whispers and slides his foot back. Liam flinches and his hands curl as if he’s imagining them grabbing hold of Zayn’s shirt. Liam is properly crying now and Zayn makes a frustrated noise.

“Don’t you get it? If you would have just let me push you guys away, all of you! It wouldn’t have been so bad, I would have been fine because you wouldn’t have cared. It would have been easy! But it’s never easy and you all had to be such damn good people. You shouldn’t care about me, I’m horrible! I am a shit friend and person in general, and I don’t deserve this! I don’t deserve any of this; I deserve to be dead and it’s eating me away inside. I can’t go a day with loathing myself and wanting to just end it every night. And you! You weren’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to care about you because that made me weak and I am a coward and can’t even pull the goddamn plug and I can’t…I just can’t.” Zayn stutters and sobs, letting himself verbally throw up. He screams, yanking at his hair because _he can’t get his goddamn thoughts into words._ Liam stands there stunned but is quickly replying,

“Zayn no, don’t think any of that. You are not weak, not at all. You put your heart and trust into someone and that takes so much strength and bravery, and I promise I won’t let you down. You deserve everything in the world and you’ve got people who love you and want, _need_ you around. You’ve touched so many people’s lives and saved so many and it hurts me to see you like this. You don’t even realize how beautiful and amazing you truly are and I-I need you Zayn. Please, please come here.” he sobs, reaching out his hand. Zayn looks at it and contemplates, but he finds his heels hanging off the edge of the building. The door to the roof then suddenly swings open and the other three lads are standing there. He sadly shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, Liam.” He catches a glimpse of Louis who once Zayn makes eye contact with starts sprinting towards him, screaming his name. Niall actually faints and Harry catches him, shaking both their bodies with his sobs. 

It seems to all go in slow motion from then on. He leans back and takes one last look at Liam. For a moment can feel himself falling and everything else in the world disappears, including his name being screaming by three other lads. But he can hear Liam’s voice clearly through the rest of the noise. His face is permanently carved into his memory, and Zayn suddenly wishes he could turn back time. Before he has time to properly think or scream a hand in yanking on the collar of his shirt and throwing him back.

Zayn is numb, and doesn’t feel himself landing on top of Liam’s chest. He doesn’t feel Liam stand them both up and hug him, saying so many things that he desperately needs Zayn to know. He doesn’t feel how all of a sudden Louis’ arms are enveloping him, and then Harry’s, and then Niall’s until they’re all standing there in a group hug. They all pull back after they realize that Zayn hasn’t made a noise or movement the whole time.

All that Zayn can do is think to himself, _“I am so stupid.”_

“You sure are, but we love you despite that.” Louis says. Zayn doesn’t realize that he said that out loud and looks up at him and opens his mouth to apologize, to all of them but Liam just shakes his head.

“Zayn, it’s alright. We get it.” he reassures him but Zayn slumps into his arms, not trusting his knees to keep him up.

“It’s not.”

“It is, but if you really want to make it up to us, you need to promise you won’t ever, _ever,_ do that again.” Liam’s voice is shaky and he’s got a hand wrapped around his wrist. Zayn nods.

“Yeah, and if you ever feel that way again, just come to us. We love you, yeah? When you hurt, we hurt.” Niall says, his words a bit slurred no doubt because he just woke up. Zayn grabs for his hand and squeezes it, letting him know that he will.

After a few more words are exchanged, all of them a big blur of sobs and promises and comfort to Zayn, he finds himself being lugged back to his room and into his bed. Liam curls up next to him, Louis on Zayn’s other side. Harry presses up against the eldest lad and reaches his arm over so he can hold Zayn’s. Niall crawls in on the bottom so his head is resting on Zayn’s stomach, a bit awkward but desperate to be close to Zayn. They fall asleep like that in a cluster of limbs and Zayn wakes up a few hours later to see that they’re still in that same position, Harry’s grasp a bit tighter than before.

“Zayn.” a voice says, and for a second he is afraid that it’s that little dark voice in the back of his head returning to harass him all night. But he’s mistaken once he feels Liam nudge him in the neck with his nose.

“Yeah?” he asks, his voice cracking. Liam pauses for a while, and Zayn thinks that maybe he’s fallen asleep, or was just dreaming about him. Zayn smiles a bit at the thought of Liam dreaming about him, but Liam finally speaks up after the long silence.

“I meant every word I said, all of it.” he whispers. Zayn turns his head slightly and looks at the brown eyed boy next to him. His eyes are focused on Zayn’s and they continue to stare at each other. Louis shifts a little next to Zayn, scooting closer than before and pressing up against him.

“What?” Zayn asks, pretending not to know what he’s talking about. But really, Zayn just wants to hear him say it again and reassure him that he didn’t just hallucinate. He thinks it’s a bit selfish of him, but this is something he needs.

“I do love you and back there,” he swallows thickly, “I just…I thought I lost you forever and it scared the shit out of me, the thought of you not being by my side for the rest of my life. And I really do think you’re strong and brave, Zayn. Like Niall said, it hurts us, hurts _me_ to even imagine you being unhappy, because you deserve to be happy. And I just…”

“What else, Liam?” Zayn asks softly, knowing that Liam wants to get something out but needs a little push.

“I trust you, and I need you. I won’t ever let you down, I swear.” and that’s all Zayn needs to hear, because in his mind ‘ _I trust you, and I need you.’_ are as good, maybe even better than saying he loves him.

Liam plants a soft kiss that only lasts a few seconds on Zayn’s chapped lips before resting his head on his shoulder. Zayn closes his eyes and whispers back,

“I trust you too.” and drifts off into the calmest sleep of his life, knowing that all he needs are these four lads and their trust.

 

Because they make it easier.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, so hopefully it wasn't too painful to read (my atrocious grammar/lack of writing skills and the depressing plot.)


End file.
